The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man