One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”