ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
They grow up so quick
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.