You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”