One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Self-cleaning conscience