Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*