His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.