Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.