*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*puts words between two asterisks*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn