Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I’d … I’d rather not.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.