“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.