check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic