I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Salad is the decaf of food.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.