One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
incredible book dedication
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.