My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.