“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
You Might Also Like
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.