I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Not today
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son