Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
True
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.