#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
We’re all getting idioter.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it