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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s