‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
what does he know…
He’s cranky this morning
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.