My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay