If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
#dnd #ttrpg
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.