a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
They got a point!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.