Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
They’re not wrong
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”