A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You Might Also Like
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down