Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.