ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*