Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
🤣😈🤣
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.