[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment