Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
no such thing as a dumb question
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for