If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?