“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.