“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh