Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You Might Also Like
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs