Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Knock Knock
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit