Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
This has made my week.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again