5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Quadruple digit IQ
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)