everyone has that one prude friend
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?