Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?