I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.