Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Don’t snitch tag.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂