harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.