No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.