“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?