“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“our sushi is very fresh”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.