If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.