War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”