I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
You Might Also Like
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Yes
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.