If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit